ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Computers were toppled sideways on the floor under the desk in my room. Colored wires were tangled and ripped, jutting out haphazardly. Bending down on my knees on the blue carpet, I observed a small, thin red line sticking up among the jumble. I thought it might be red tinsel from the Christmas tree (why it was there I couldn't figure out) and so I blew on it, thinking it would fly away gently in the breeze and let me observe the damaged computers. A small yellow flame flared up and spread like dynamite down the frayed wire and to other flammable objects in its path.
I ran back and forth across the room wildly, trying to find something, anything, to extinguish the growing fire. I gave up and decided to salvage any valuable items. The room was a mess. Even my bed was scrambled and untidy. The only valuable I could find in the heaps of unidentifiable junk was my old green scripture case with my first and only set of scriptures. I grabbed the handle and ran up the basement stairs, feet pounding in a hurry.
I ran to and from the front and back doors, searching for my shoes. My feet were burning on the white laminate floor in the kitchen from the heat building up below me. Flames started to burn through the floor, yet without burn marks. I heard my youngest brother, Douglas, open the back door and step in. Though I didn't find my shoes, I ran to the back door and pushed him out to keep him safe (but not hard enought to knock him over). I ran barefoot through the cool, green grass to my mom a few steps away from him, leaving the screen door wide open.
She must have seen the fear in my eyes and held tight to my shoulders asking, "What's wrong?"
I kept staring blindly, horrified, opening and closing my mouth. I'm not one to stutter so the anxiety was great as I tried to say "fire". Taking in deep gulps of air and with as much effort as I could put in against my shock, it came out as "F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fire," in a dry whisper.
I ran back and forth across the room wildly, trying to find something, anything, to extinguish the growing fire. I gave up and decided to salvage any valuable items. The room was a mess. Even my bed was scrambled and untidy. The only valuable I could find in the heaps of unidentifiable junk was my old green scripture case with my first and only set of scriptures. I grabbed the handle and ran up the basement stairs, feet pounding in a hurry.
I ran to and from the front and back doors, searching for my shoes. My feet were burning on the white laminate floor in the kitchen from the heat building up below me. Flames started to burn through the floor, yet without burn marks. I heard my youngest brother, Douglas, open the back door and step in. Though I didn't find my shoes, I ran to the back door and pushed him out to keep him safe (but not hard enought to knock him over). I ran barefoot through the cool, green grass to my mom a few steps away from him, leaving the screen door wide open.
She must have seen the fear in my eyes and held tight to my shoulders asking, "What's wrong?"
I kept staring blindly, horrified, opening and closing my mouth. I'm not one to stutter so the anxiety was great as I tried to say "fire". Taking in deep gulps of air and with as much effort as I could put in against my shock, it came out as "F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fire," in a dry whisper.
This was a nightmare I had during the summer. I wrote it down and it would work great in a storyline, don't you think? I can't still picture it. It was horrible. I could barely sleep for the next 2 nights...
EDIT: I edited it. Obviously. Please read again!
EDIT: I edited it. Obviously. Please read again!
© 2008 - 2024 krissyorange
Comments5
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
What an interesting dream! They always make for fascinating stories, don't they?
Anyways, I see that you want a critique so let me see what I can come up with:
I understand that you are trying to get the chaos of it all onto paper, but I think you may have been pushing it a little too fast. Dreams naturally occur without any sort of logical development and often move very quickly. However, when you are trying to put such an idea of paper, you should try to slow it down a bit so that everything doesn't turn into one big twister of events.
You should try adding a bit more build-up as well as bulk up the story. Add more scenery. Also, see if you can't give the character a bit more reaction. Obviously you have the movements down, but things do happen in between there. Adding that will help add tension to the story.
The next thing I noticed is a common problem with first person POV (by the way, I love first person). It definately gives you the ability to add more tension and emotions, but it does have some downsides. The one I really notices here was the constant use of 'I', 'me', and 'my'. Limiting those words is quite the challenge and there is no easy fix so there's not much I can suggest.
There is one thing that I have come to notice, though it certainly doesn't apply to all situations. If you are discussing the character's physical movements, those words are generally good to use. If you can get rid of them, good for you, but otherwise, they work pretty well. However, if you are focusing on emotions or scenery, you can generally cut those words.
For example: Unfortunately, the only valuable I could find was my scriptures in my old green scripture case. You could try saying 'The only salvagable item was the scriptures in my old, green scripture case' or something like that. It adds more variety to the piece.
Anyways, those are just my opinion so take them as you will. Though, you do have a very good piece here!
Anyways, I see that you want a critique so let me see what I can come up with:
I understand that you are trying to get the chaos of it all onto paper, but I think you may have been pushing it a little too fast. Dreams naturally occur without any sort of logical development and often move very quickly. However, when you are trying to put such an idea of paper, you should try to slow it down a bit so that everything doesn't turn into one big twister of events.
You should try adding a bit more build-up as well as bulk up the story. Add more scenery. Also, see if you can't give the character a bit more reaction. Obviously you have the movements down, but things do happen in between there. Adding that will help add tension to the story.
The next thing I noticed is a common problem with first person POV (by the way, I love first person). It definately gives you the ability to add more tension and emotions, but it does have some downsides. The one I really notices here was the constant use of 'I', 'me', and 'my'. Limiting those words is quite the challenge and there is no easy fix so there's not much I can suggest.
There is one thing that I have come to notice, though it certainly doesn't apply to all situations. If you are discussing the character's physical movements, those words are generally good to use. If you can get rid of them, good for you, but otherwise, they work pretty well. However, if you are focusing on emotions or scenery, you can generally cut those words.
For example: Unfortunately, the only valuable I could find was my scriptures in my old green scripture case. You could try saying 'The only salvagable item was the scriptures in my old, green scripture case' or something like that. It adds more variety to the piece.
Anyways, those are just my opinion so take them as you will. Though, you do have a very good piece here!